In our pursuit of perfect, blissful union, it’s tempting to want to tweak a couple of things to speed the process along. A trip to the salon to change your mousy brown hair to a deep, sensual red is nice. A new wardrobe that makes you feel saucy? Great idea…a new pair of boobs and liposuction-attention of that Abercrombie model wannabe? Not so much.

There is never a good reason to change the essence of what YOU are to fit the requirements of someone else. It’s even more foolish and sad to make those changes for someone you haven’t even made a formal commitment to. Plus, if the person makes these requests of you, they’re attempting to control and belittle the REAL you. That means that they stink. And it means that you need to go.

In the case of love, it is natural and completely human to want to do everything in one’s power to save a relationship. There’s nothing worse than staring at the smoking carcass of your bonding, wondering what you could have done differently. Commonly, there’s a period of flashback fault-finding, where the only answer for the unexplainable breakup lies in your shortcomings. This happens to everyone- no matter how good your self-esteem is.

For people who are very secure in themselves it’s a quick pit stop on the road to acceptance and learning. For others, though, the perceived failure is one that seems all too personal and preventable. This is where the impulse to change and control the unknown comes in.

There’s a helpless creature that hides inside people who have been hurt. That poor, wounded side of you is the one that begs to be transformed into something that is remotely lovable and accepted. Conformity brings comfort and a feeling of security in the “status quo” of a potential love interest’s approval. Modern society, in general, is all about meeting some unreachable “standard”. They say that you have to change yourself into a svelte, blond bombshell. Nowadays, it seems there is nothing great about being yourself.

The best possible mates are only available to those who “fit the bill”—a graduate diploma, a fast car, 34-C boobs, or a high-income job. Possessing these things are supposedly the only way to be of worth in today’s world. The criteria rises day by day and the finish line looks more impossible to touch with every passing moment. The desire to find acceptance for the weak, fragile, real core of yourself then flings its arms out, grabbing at anything that will bring the dream of perfect love.

This is why girls puke in the bathrooms after meals. This is why broke people who can’t make the rent pay $800 for extensions. This is why there’s so much confusion, because “reality” is anything but.

Love cannot flourish under false pretenses and affection dangled like a carrot is nothing of the sort. A person that offers love with strings attached isn’t offering anything that will help you along your true path of evolution. They’re playing the Pygmalion to your Galatea. No person is a lump of clay to be molded by anyone. No one can take credit for creating you. You are spirit’s creation- the embodiment of perfection in the present moment.

There is always another person out there for you; one that will accept you with your cellulite, baggy jeans, or piercings. If a potential mate doesn’t think that you measure up, they’re attempting to create some fantasy cooked up from dreams of unreachable perfection in the hopes that your efforts will redeem them in the eyes of their more “successful” peers. The internal vulnerabilities won’t go away by pleasing someone else. Those remedies are just a band-aid that don’t really heal anything.

You don’t need the approval of anyone but yourself.

(Editor’s note: The preceding article was submitted by Joely, our newest Big 3 Contributor. Joely works as a Behavior Management Specialist with adults and children. In her first post, she explores the dangers associated with trying to reach an unattainable societal standard at the expense of self-acceptance.)

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